I have had to live with this sometime debilitating anxiety for some time now and it doesn't ever get easier. Every little sound the car makes, every bill that comes in the mail, every argument I get in with a friend or loved one, every minor things sets me off to my brain automatically making it the worst possible thing ever and I cant make it stop. Been to therapies, doctors, Emergency room and so many medications to count.
We are on month 5 of this bed bug hell!!!!! for 3 months we didn't see any fucking bugs and had 4 different inspectors find nothing. Finally found one on chris one night when he woke up screaming in pain on the airbed.
Payed $1300 for the heat treatement that is supposed to completely kill all stages of them and make them go away. We have only seen one dead one as we put the house back together and every time I lay on the floor I panic thinking my itchy skin is a bite. Still have yet to sleep a full a night without phantom bites and itching with nothing there.
Now my mom has spots and am I completely freaking out and worried. Jack sleeps in her bed on the weekends but she is in the yard on a daily basis so im praying to all that is out there that they don't have these fuckers too. I cant go through all this again. I just cant.
We threw out over 3/4 of the things we own including the couch and recliner. If I had the money both captains beds would have gone too and got frames and regular mattresses for both.
As good as it feels to live with minimal now it was still so hard and heartbreaking to release a lot of it. Telling Jack his Tardis and K-9 he worked so hard on had to be thrown away because a small possibility of bugs being in there. I still feel horrible that we had to do that. All of his stuffed animals with the exception of buddy, buzz and woody are all still in bags because of my anxiety and fear to take them out and put them on the floor. A little boy shouldn't have to live like this and not be able to play with his own toys and it makes me sad everyday when he asks if the Doctor can bring him a new Tardis. Im not ready yet. They say 60 days no bites or bugs is the key and its only been 10 days.
We no longer use cardboard. All of my photo albums and frames were trashed and all my beloved photos are in a tote and if you know what a photo junkie I am that's really hard for me to not see Jacks face as a baby or my papa on a daily basis.
We have 6 totes in the basement of stuff like the tree and Christmas stuff and Chris's star wars stuff and everything else we have is out and that's not much. I have 1 tote of fabric, 1 of craft supplies, 1 of shoes, 1 of costume stuff, 1 of Coplay stuff, 1 of sheets, 2 of blankets. wedding dress is in the smallest possible package of space bag. A bookcase with minimal things on it. Jacks toy stoarage things only have 2 with toys in them out of the 10 boxes on there.
My wedding broom is still on the wall because I figure any positive energy I can leave is good.
The idea of going to movies, or con parites, or peoples house freak me out that I will either bring something with me or bring something home. Rod took my grandmas curio cabinet today and I didn't know till I got home and it was a weird emotion that I really wasn't expecting to hit me. It was broken and we really just used it for out wedding stuff but it was one of only 2 things I had of hers. The couch was my papas and now I have nothing of his but a tie.
I have been trying to restore my dads toy box by using caulk and wood putty to seal out cracks so no bugs get in there and will eventually paint it and put the cushion back on. We have the outside furniture in the living room and I have to vacuum everyday with a stupid bagged vacuum and change it outside. I have using clear caulk on all the furniture. I don't know if it will actually help but its what my brain told me to do .
I just want to go back to normal and happy and be able to go out and have fun without the fear and with wanting to actually come home. I know I have friends that love me but when I call needing an ear they don't answer the phone. chris can only take so much of it. My mom tells me to get over it, a bunch of bull from the women who is on every antidepresent known to man.
next month I will be sending an email to the landlord asking if she plans on us moving since we have to now find a way to come up money to do so. I fell like when we get to a point where things are great and then we take 2 steps back. Still have to find a way to pay for Jacks eye appointments and glasses every 3 months and food and rent and gas.........
I don't want to live like this any more!!!!!!!!! I want to be free of the panic and anxiety and frustration and pain and itching and crying and fighting and all of it!
No comments:
Post a Comment