I feel like im falling apart.
13 years ago i had surgery on my left wrist for tendonitis and afterwards found out it wasnt done right and have permeanet damage. That i have gotten used to. Sometimes i cant use my thumb and have a bone that pushes on the tendons.
Shortly after moving into this house my Right knee started to crunch going down the stairs.
Now my right shoulder is on fire! It started when i was still doing hair but wasnt too bad. Suddenly its been really bad. i think its tendonitis on that side too. It starts in my wrist and goes up.
Its the same side i sprained my neck a few years ago so i wonder if thats connected.
Im sure some of my body pains are due to my weight but im not going there right now. LOL
Monday, March 5, 2012
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Letting go
I have been Belly dancing now for almost 8 years i guess. I have moments of loving and hating it. I suppose that goes for any hobby.
I loved teaching especially the belly kids classes but that all changed because of one persons selfishness greed.
I got a call one night from a troupe member that the doors the studio are locked and we are done with the studio. Umm WTF!
Christina the troupe leader for Diva Soma had been using our troupe money to pay her personal debt and falling wayyyyyy behind on studio rent. We all knew when the studio opened it wouldn't last. She has always been horrible with money of any kind.
As a troupe we decided it was the last strraw and we all left the troupe of Diva Soma and started Raqs Awn Belly Dance Collective.
As Raqs Awn we begin as a way to help the community come back together that had been ripped apart by Christina. For the first year it was lots of fun, being able to dance to what ever i wanted and not have to do weekly rehearsals and such.
The summer of 2010 was a rough one. We were still working through stuff and im still holding a grudge because of all the drama about people not wanting me to bring Jack to anything! A few people are trying too hard to make us more professional and thats not what i want to be a part of.
I still dont understand why its ok for those same people to bring there kids who yell and scream and run around but not my super well behaved child.
Well now Raqs Awn seems to have lost its Mojo including me.
I need to remember that i dance for me and not anyone else, if i want to dance to random stuff like star wars or Lady Gaga then im gonna!
A few months before Diva Soma split we were working on our dances for Nebraska Belly Dance Spectuclar that as a troupe we helped Christina start. Well needless to say none of us went that year.
Its been 3 years so i went last night. It was a great show.
Its funny how i never fell the best about my dancing but i take it as a compliment that every person i came across that knows me as Sapphire Phoenix kept asking why i wanst dancing.
Christina actually asked me to dance next year, I told her that i don't do traditional anymore and she was very strict on that for the show but she told me just to do Oojami or something like that more upbeat.
I will never dance with her again or give her money but its silly to keep holding onto something that we cant change this many years later.
I loved teaching especially the belly kids classes but that all changed because of one persons selfishness greed.
I got a call one night from a troupe member that the doors the studio are locked and we are done with the studio. Umm WTF!
Christina the troupe leader for Diva Soma had been using our troupe money to pay her personal debt and falling wayyyyyy behind on studio rent. We all knew when the studio opened it wouldn't last. She has always been horrible with money of any kind.
As a troupe we decided it was the last strraw and we all left the troupe of Diva Soma and started Raqs Awn Belly Dance Collective.
As Raqs Awn we begin as a way to help the community come back together that had been ripped apart by Christina. For the first year it was lots of fun, being able to dance to what ever i wanted and not have to do weekly rehearsals and such.
The summer of 2010 was a rough one. We were still working through stuff and im still holding a grudge because of all the drama about people not wanting me to bring Jack to anything! A few people are trying too hard to make us more professional and thats not what i want to be a part of.
I still dont understand why its ok for those same people to bring there kids who yell and scream and run around but not my super well behaved child.
Well now Raqs Awn seems to have lost its Mojo including me.
I need to remember that i dance for me and not anyone else, if i want to dance to random stuff like star wars or Lady Gaga then im gonna!
A few months before Diva Soma split we were working on our dances for Nebraska Belly Dance Spectuclar that as a troupe we helped Christina start. Well needless to say none of us went that year.
Its been 3 years so i went last night. It was a great show.
Its funny how i never fell the best about my dancing but i take it as a compliment that every person i came across that knows me as Sapphire Phoenix kept asking why i wanst dancing.
Christina actually asked me to dance next year, I told her that i don't do traditional anymore and she was very strict on that for the show but she told me just to do Oojami or something like that more upbeat.
I will never dance with her again or give her money but its silly to keep holding onto something that we cant change this many years later.
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Support
I love my husband lots but i am trying to stay away from him. He is trying to quit smoking cold turkey and is not friendly!
I know how hard it can be especially since hes been smoking since he was a teenager.
I hope he can do it. I need him to do it.
They are way to expensive and frankly he stinks.
I am still actively looking for a job but am still feeling like hes pissed at me every time i mention not using money or get frustrated about the car.
I am going out with a friend tonight to dinner and to NBDS and almost feel bad about it but damn it i need to have a life too.
I only have a few friends really and i want to feel special and loved too.
I know how hard it can be especially since hes been smoking since he was a teenager.
I hope he can do it. I need him to do it.
They are way to expensive and frankly he stinks.
I am still actively looking for a job but am still feeling like hes pissed at me every time i mention not using money or get frustrated about the car.
I am going out with a friend tonight to dinner and to NBDS and almost feel bad about it but damn it i need to have a life too.
I only have a few friends really and i want to feel special and loved too.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Disney on Ice
We got and Icee in a stitch cup. That he pretty much payed attention to that more than the show.
 |
| nana with the fish binoculars. I was so glad daddy got to come with us. He said it was worth coming just to see Jacks face when Mickey and minnie came out onto the ice.   |
Friday, February 24, 2012
Personal space!
People close to me know that im a hugger but i also on the opposite really dont like people freaking touching me!
I dont get massages because of that very reason.
I dont understand why people seem to think that is ok to do things without thinking.
Yesterday someone i know took the flower out of my hair while i was sitting at a table. WTF seriously are we 5 again? it may not look like it but it took a while to get that damn thing in there and to stay with a bobby pin so pulling it out of my hair really did freaking hurt!
My response was "bitch give it back" I seem to have an automatic response of Bitches lately.
Later that same persons child was waaaaaaayyyy to cuddly up on my kid. NOT OK!!
Jack likes to attack hug kids his own size, a kid much older should not be in his personal space like that. I have seen Jack push and hit a kid who got into his space.
As a mother if you hear another mother say " hey get your kid away from mine" you really should be respectful of the fact there is a reason for it!
I dont get massages because of that very reason.
I dont understand why people seem to think that is ok to do things without thinking.
Yesterday someone i know took the flower out of my hair while i was sitting at a table. WTF seriously are we 5 again? it may not look like it but it took a while to get that damn thing in there and to stay with a bobby pin so pulling it out of my hair really did freaking hurt!
My response was "bitch give it back" I seem to have an automatic response of Bitches lately.
Later that same persons child was waaaaaaayyyy to cuddly up on my kid. NOT OK!!
Jack likes to attack hug kids his own size, a kid much older should not be in his personal space like that. I have seen Jack push and hit a kid who got into his space.
As a mother if you hear another mother say " hey get your kid away from mine" you really should be respectful of the fact there is a reason for it!
Friday, January 20, 2012
They always watch over us
One of my biggest paranias is our car. I have a mjor fear of it breaking down.
The back passenger tire keeps going low and freaking me out about chirs driving it all over so today i decided we needed new one. We dont have much money but it had to be done.
I rememberd Papa ED talking about marion tire and i taken my old car there a long time ago.
Chris dropped papas name and the guy gave him a discount because i was his grandaughter. about $50 and thats alot these days!
Will always love you Papa.
The back passenger tire keeps going low and freaking me out about chirs driving it all over so today i decided we needed new one. We dont have much money but it had to be done.
I rememberd Papa ED talking about marion tire and i taken my old car there a long time ago.
Chris dropped papas name and the guy gave him a discount because i was his grandaughter. about $50 and thats alot these days!
Will always love you Papa.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Job hunt frustrations
So i have been job hunting continusaly since about may now and still nothing. I have 4 interviews that go nowhere and im getting so frustrated!
The replys i get in mail and email are all the same either its i havnt worked in 3 years so dont have experience or that i only have hair as a background.
The orginal plan of going to phloboblmy school didnt work since they dont have aid for a 5 week program and need $1000 up front. Hopefully i will be able to use tax money for the May session so i can at least get a new carreer.
I cant help but feel like a loser with all this crap. Chris works 2 jobs and is very burn out and takes it out on us. The problem is that he makes way more workng his part time job even 12 hours week than i ever did doing hair.
We havnt been arguring as much lastly so thats good. i think he does see that im trying to find something but still have standerds. I wont do gas station or fast food unless we get down to absolute desperation.
Thankfully i have my dad who helps us out when he can/
I have to keep telling myself that Im not getting a job now because i am meant for more, that something perfect is going to come across me and i will love it and be happy again.
The replys i get in mail and email are all the same either its i havnt worked in 3 years so dont have experience or that i only have hair as a background.
The orginal plan of going to phloboblmy school didnt work since they dont have aid for a 5 week program and need $1000 up front. Hopefully i will be able to use tax money for the May session so i can at least get a new carreer.
I cant help but feel like a loser with all this crap. Chris works 2 jobs and is very burn out and takes it out on us. The problem is that he makes way more workng his part time job even 12 hours week than i ever did doing hair.
We havnt been arguring as much lastly so thats good. i think he does see that im trying to find something but still have standerds. I wont do gas station or fast food unless we get down to absolute desperation.
Thankfully i have my dad who helps us out when he can/
I have to keep telling myself that Im not getting a job now because i am meant for more, that something perfect is going to come across me and i will love it and be happy again.
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