I have had to live with this sometime debilitating anxiety for some time now and it doesn't ever get easier. Every little sound the car makes, every bill that comes in the mail, every argument I get in with a friend or loved one, every minor things sets me off to my brain automatically making it the worst possible thing ever and I cant make it stop. Been to therapies, doctors, Emergency room and so many medications to count.
We are on month 5 of this bed bug hell!!!!! for 3 months we didn't see any fucking bugs and had 4 different inspectors find nothing. Finally found one on chris one night when he woke up screaming in pain on the airbed.
Payed $1300 for the heat treatement that is supposed to completely kill all stages of them and make them go away. We have only seen one dead one as we put the house back together and every time I lay on the floor I panic thinking my itchy skin is a bite. Still have yet to sleep a full a night without phantom bites and itching with nothing there.
Now my mom has spots and am I completely freaking out and worried. Jack sleeps in her bed on the weekends but she is in the yard on a daily basis so im praying to all that is out there that they don't have these fuckers too. I cant go through all this again. I just cant.
We threw out over 3/4 of the things we own including the couch and recliner. If I had the money both captains beds would have gone too and got frames and regular mattresses for both.
As good as it feels to live with minimal now it was still so hard and heartbreaking to release a lot of it. Telling Jack his Tardis and K-9 he worked so hard on had to be thrown away because a small possibility of bugs being in there. I still feel horrible that we had to do that. All of his stuffed animals with the exception of buddy, buzz and woody are all still in bags because of my anxiety and fear to take them out and put them on the floor. A little boy shouldn't have to live like this and not be able to play with his own toys and it makes me sad everyday when he asks if the Doctor can bring him a new Tardis. Im not ready yet. They say 60 days no bites or bugs is the key and its only been 10 days.
We no longer use cardboard. All of my photo albums and frames were trashed and all my beloved photos are in a tote and if you know what a photo junkie I am that's really hard for me to not see Jacks face as a baby or my papa on a daily basis.
We have 6 totes in the basement of stuff like the tree and Christmas stuff and Chris's star wars stuff and everything else we have is out and that's not much. I have 1 tote of fabric, 1 of craft supplies, 1 of shoes, 1 of costume stuff, 1 of Coplay stuff, 1 of sheets, 2 of blankets. wedding dress is in the smallest possible package of space bag. A bookcase with minimal things on it. Jacks toy stoarage things only have 2 with toys in them out of the 10 boxes on there.
My wedding broom is still on the wall because I figure any positive energy I can leave is good.
The idea of going to movies, or con parites, or peoples house freak me out that I will either bring something with me or bring something home. Rod took my grandmas curio cabinet today and I didn't know till I got home and it was a weird emotion that I really wasn't expecting to hit me. It was broken and we really just used it for out wedding stuff but it was one of only 2 things I had of hers. The couch was my papas and now I have nothing of his but a tie.
I have been trying to restore my dads toy box by using caulk and wood putty to seal out cracks so no bugs get in there and will eventually paint it and put the cushion back on. We have the outside furniture in the living room and I have to vacuum everyday with a stupid bagged vacuum and change it outside. I have using clear caulk on all the furniture. I don't know if it will actually help but its what my brain told me to do .
I just want to go back to normal and happy and be able to go out and have fun without the fear and with wanting to actually come home. I know I have friends that love me but when I call needing an ear they don't answer the phone. chris can only take so much of it. My mom tells me to get over it, a bunch of bull from the women who is on every antidepresent known to man.
next month I will be sending an email to the landlord asking if she plans on us moving since we have to now find a way to come up money to do so. I fell like when we get to a point where things are great and then we take 2 steps back. Still have to find a way to pay for Jacks eye appointments and glasses every 3 months and food and rent and gas.........
I don't want to live like this any more!!!!!!!!! I want to be free of the panic and anxiety and frustration and pain and itching and crying and fighting and all of it!
Sunday, June 2, 2013
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Crappy Mothers day
You would think i would be used to feeling so unloved by now but my feelings still get hurt on every holiday is seems.
This morning after making breakfast for Chris and telling him that Jack called me to say happy mothers day i asked him if he was going to even acknowledge me. He farted and said not with you being a bitch about it!
Fuck off asshole.
Mothers day is the one day a year i want validation that im a good mom not with gifts and cards but appreciation of just simply saying "happy mothers day your a great mom" but instead i get ass hole.
My birthday i was alone with no acknowledgment along with new years and valentines day.
Im sick of him using the excuse that he works so much for everything. Mothers day is the same damn day every freaking year!!!
Just having jack make a picture would have been nice.
I had a feeling that me working wasn't going to help us any and it hasn't. now we just find other things to fight about. Before it was always about how much he works and how tired he is and we never money. i may only work a few hours a day but its hard work and im so tired and then have to take care of the house and the boy on top of picking up after chirs too! It like he doesnt even notice im working too!
I will admit that i do have thougts if i would happy alone since thats how i feel most of the time anyway.
This morning after making breakfast for Chris and telling him that Jack called me to say happy mothers day i asked him if he was going to even acknowledge me. He farted and said not with you being a bitch about it!
Fuck off asshole.
Mothers day is the one day a year i want validation that im a good mom not with gifts and cards but appreciation of just simply saying "happy mothers day your a great mom" but instead i get ass hole.
My birthday i was alone with no acknowledgment along with new years and valentines day.
Im sick of him using the excuse that he works so much for everything. Mothers day is the same damn day every freaking year!!!
Just having jack make a picture would have been nice.
I had a feeling that me working wasn't going to help us any and it hasn't. now we just find other things to fight about. Before it was always about how much he works and how tired he is and we never money. i may only work a few hours a day but its hard work and im so tired and then have to take care of the house and the boy on top of picking up after chirs too! It like he doesnt even notice im working too!
I will admit that i do have thougts if i would happy alone since thats how i feel most of the time anyway.
Monday, April 9, 2012
I may have lost my mind.
Since there are so many people who have issues with cosplay your body type i really want to do Ursula as kind a fuck off!
I think i will do it a bit different though. Im thinking my black corset and making a skirt similar to this one cause the ones i have seen with the hanging tentacles look linda silly with your legs hanging out.
I did find a victorian pattern that i think would work well for it just gotta get a job to pay for the massive amout of material.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Happy woody vestei
He has a habbit of wearing a different costume on a daily basis. Gee i wonder where he get thats.
When it was time to take it off for the night it was like i was tormenting him but it went in the box with the rest of his awesome costumes for another day.
 |
| Rocking horse my great grandpa made my mom |
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
I want a beyonce chicken
I now have a huge obsession with the blog The Bloggess!!!
She is so freaking funny.
She has the most random conversations with her husband about unicorn clubs, robot cats, and other silly things.
One day she was going shopping for towels and her husband said no more towels so instead she brought home a 5 foot metal colorful chicken and left it on the doorstep with the caption. Knock Knock Mother fucker!!!!
Of course he was mad but she said at least it wasn't towels.
I explained the blog to Chris who of course gets her humor so we have having fun the whole thing.
She also has severe hospital inducing panic attacks and depression and alot of health issues that she finds funny thing to blog about like do with chester and arnold.
She also has a long running thing with messing with Nathon Fillion cause he wont send her a picture of him holding twine but got Wil Weaton to send her a picture of him collating papers just to mess with stupid PR people who try to spam her.
I am not a reader like at all but so want to read her book when it comes out next month.
She is so freaking funny.
She has the most random conversations with her husband about unicorn clubs, robot cats, and other silly things.
One day she was going shopping for towels and her husband said no more towels so instead she brought home a 5 foot metal colorful chicken and left it on the doorstep with the caption. Knock Knock Mother fucker!!!!
Of course he was mad but she said at least it wasn't towels.
I explained the blog to Chris who of course gets her humor so we have having fun the whole thing.
She also has severe hospital inducing panic attacks and depression and alot of health issues that she finds funny thing to blog about like do with chester and arnold.
She also has a long running thing with messing with Nathon Fillion cause he wont send her a picture of him holding twine but got Wil Weaton to send her a picture of him collating papers just to mess with stupid PR people who try to spam her.
I am not a reader like at all but so want to read her book when it comes out next month.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Gotta snap out of it!!!!
I am trying so hard to get out of my dance funk but its not working.
I listen to music everyday and find stuff i want to do.
we were supposed to Earth Day like we do every year and i was even making Jack a super cute outfit to wear but there is a workshop that same day so no one is doing it now.
There is also an event in May i would love to do for an art thing but nobody wants to do that either.
I cant do stuff alone, for security reasons and the stupid fat girl dancer things.
I may have confidence when i dance for people that come to belly dance events knowing what to expect but have too many times of dancing for other people and been heckled and yes assholes i can hear your rude ass comments from the stage!!
I miss the days of our group doing events together and having so much fun but now nobody wants to do anything.
I am also realizing the very limited amount of friends i actually have anymore.
I was alone on birthday, alone on Christmas, alone on new years, its frustrating that i don't know why or what i did to make people not want to hang out with me. Im fun damn it.
I don't even have my husband to hang out with me like other people do. I'm alone every Saturday with no kid or car.
I am always there when people need me but have been stepped on so much that i don't know why i keep doing it.
I listen to music everyday and find stuff i want to do.
we were supposed to Earth Day like we do every year and i was even making Jack a super cute outfit to wear but there is a workshop that same day so no one is doing it now.
There is also an event in May i would love to do for an art thing but nobody wants to do that either.
I cant do stuff alone, for security reasons and the stupid fat girl dancer things.
I may have confidence when i dance for people that come to belly dance events knowing what to expect but have too many times of dancing for other people and been heckled and yes assholes i can hear your rude ass comments from the stage!!
I miss the days of our group doing events together and having so much fun but now nobody wants to do anything.
I am also realizing the very limited amount of friends i actually have anymore.
I was alone on birthday, alone on Christmas, alone on new years, its frustrating that i don't know why or what i did to make people not want to hang out with me. Im fun damn it.
I don't even have my husband to hang out with me like other people do. I'm alone every Saturday with no kid or car.
I am always there when people need me but have been stepped on so much that i don't know why i keep doing it.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Monday, March 5, 2012
I feel so old today
I feel like im falling apart.
13 years ago i had surgery on my left wrist for tendonitis and afterwards found out it wasnt done right and have permeanet damage. That i have gotten used to. Sometimes i cant use my thumb and have a bone that pushes on the tendons.
Shortly after moving into this house my Right knee started to crunch going down the stairs.
Now my right shoulder is on fire! It started when i was still doing hair but wasnt too bad. Suddenly its been really bad. i think its tendonitis on that side too. It starts in my wrist and goes up.
Its the same side i sprained my neck a few years ago so i wonder if thats connected.
Im sure some of my body pains are due to my weight but im not going there right now. LOL
13 years ago i had surgery on my left wrist for tendonitis and afterwards found out it wasnt done right and have permeanet damage. That i have gotten used to. Sometimes i cant use my thumb and have a bone that pushes on the tendons.
Shortly after moving into this house my Right knee started to crunch going down the stairs.
Now my right shoulder is on fire! It started when i was still doing hair but wasnt too bad. Suddenly its been really bad. i think its tendonitis on that side too. It starts in my wrist and goes up.
Its the same side i sprained my neck a few years ago so i wonder if thats connected.
Im sure some of my body pains are due to my weight but im not going there right now. LOL
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Letting go
I have been Belly dancing now for almost 8 years i guess. I have moments of loving and hating it. I suppose that goes for any hobby.
I loved teaching especially the belly kids classes but that all changed because of one persons selfishness greed.
I got a call one night from a troupe member that the doors the studio are locked and we are done with the studio. Umm WTF!
Christina the troupe leader for Diva Soma had been using our troupe money to pay her personal debt and falling wayyyyyy behind on studio rent. We all knew when the studio opened it wouldn't last. She has always been horrible with money of any kind.
As a troupe we decided it was the last strraw and we all left the troupe of Diva Soma and started Raqs Awn Belly Dance Collective.
As Raqs Awn we begin as a way to help the community come back together that had been ripped apart by Christina. For the first year it was lots of fun, being able to dance to what ever i wanted and not have to do weekly rehearsals and such.
The summer of 2010 was a rough one. We were still working through stuff and im still holding a grudge because of all the drama about people not wanting me to bring Jack to anything! A few people are trying too hard to make us more professional and thats not what i want to be a part of.
I still dont understand why its ok for those same people to bring there kids who yell and scream and run around but not my super well behaved child.
Well now Raqs Awn seems to have lost its Mojo including me.
I need to remember that i dance for me and not anyone else, if i want to dance to random stuff like star wars or Lady Gaga then im gonna!
A few months before Diva Soma split we were working on our dances for Nebraska Belly Dance Spectuclar that as a troupe we helped Christina start. Well needless to say none of us went that year.
Its been 3 years so i went last night. It was a great show.
Its funny how i never fell the best about my dancing but i take it as a compliment that every person i came across that knows me as Sapphire Phoenix kept asking why i wanst dancing.
Christina actually asked me to dance next year, I told her that i don't do traditional anymore and she was very strict on that for the show but she told me just to do Oojami or something like that more upbeat.
I will never dance with her again or give her money but its silly to keep holding onto something that we cant change this many years later.
I loved teaching especially the belly kids classes but that all changed because of one persons selfishness greed.
I got a call one night from a troupe member that the doors the studio are locked and we are done with the studio. Umm WTF!
Christina the troupe leader for Diva Soma had been using our troupe money to pay her personal debt and falling wayyyyyy behind on studio rent. We all knew when the studio opened it wouldn't last. She has always been horrible with money of any kind.
As a troupe we decided it was the last strraw and we all left the troupe of Diva Soma and started Raqs Awn Belly Dance Collective.
As Raqs Awn we begin as a way to help the community come back together that had been ripped apart by Christina. For the first year it was lots of fun, being able to dance to what ever i wanted and not have to do weekly rehearsals and such.
The summer of 2010 was a rough one. We were still working through stuff and im still holding a grudge because of all the drama about people not wanting me to bring Jack to anything! A few people are trying too hard to make us more professional and thats not what i want to be a part of.
I still dont understand why its ok for those same people to bring there kids who yell and scream and run around but not my super well behaved child.
Well now Raqs Awn seems to have lost its Mojo including me.
I need to remember that i dance for me and not anyone else, if i want to dance to random stuff like star wars or Lady Gaga then im gonna!
A few months before Diva Soma split we were working on our dances for Nebraska Belly Dance Spectuclar that as a troupe we helped Christina start. Well needless to say none of us went that year.
Its been 3 years so i went last night. It was a great show.
Its funny how i never fell the best about my dancing but i take it as a compliment that every person i came across that knows me as Sapphire Phoenix kept asking why i wanst dancing.
Christina actually asked me to dance next year, I told her that i don't do traditional anymore and she was very strict on that for the show but she told me just to do Oojami or something like that more upbeat.
I will never dance with her again or give her money but its silly to keep holding onto something that we cant change this many years later.
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Support
I love my husband lots but i am trying to stay away from him. He is trying to quit smoking cold turkey and is not friendly!
I know how hard it can be especially since hes been smoking since he was a teenager.
I hope he can do it. I need him to do it.
They are way to expensive and frankly he stinks.
I am still actively looking for a job but am still feeling like hes pissed at me every time i mention not using money or get frustrated about the car.
I am going out with a friend tonight to dinner and to NBDS and almost feel bad about it but damn it i need to have a life too.
I only have a few friends really and i want to feel special and loved too.
I know how hard it can be especially since hes been smoking since he was a teenager.
I hope he can do it. I need him to do it.
They are way to expensive and frankly he stinks.
I am still actively looking for a job but am still feeling like hes pissed at me every time i mention not using money or get frustrated about the car.
I am going out with a friend tonight to dinner and to NBDS and almost feel bad about it but damn it i need to have a life too.
I only have a few friends really and i want to feel special and loved too.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Disney on Ice
We got and Icee in a stitch cup. That he pretty much payed attention to that more than the show.
 |
| nana with the fish binoculars. I was so glad daddy got to come with us. He said it was worth coming just to see Jacks face when Mickey and minnie came out onto the ice.   |
Friday, February 24, 2012
Personal space!
People close to me know that im a hugger but i also on the opposite really dont like people freaking touching me!
I dont get massages because of that very reason.
I dont understand why people seem to think that is ok to do things without thinking.
Yesterday someone i know took the flower out of my hair while i was sitting at a table. WTF seriously are we 5 again? it may not look like it but it took a while to get that damn thing in there and to stay with a bobby pin so pulling it out of my hair really did freaking hurt!
My response was "bitch give it back" I seem to have an automatic response of Bitches lately.
Later that same persons child was waaaaaaayyyy to cuddly up on my kid. NOT OK!!
Jack likes to attack hug kids his own size, a kid much older should not be in his personal space like that. I have seen Jack push and hit a kid who got into his space.
As a mother if you hear another mother say " hey get your kid away from mine" you really should be respectful of the fact there is a reason for it!
I dont get massages because of that very reason.
I dont understand why people seem to think that is ok to do things without thinking.
Yesterday someone i know took the flower out of my hair while i was sitting at a table. WTF seriously are we 5 again? it may not look like it but it took a while to get that damn thing in there and to stay with a bobby pin so pulling it out of my hair really did freaking hurt!
My response was "bitch give it back" I seem to have an automatic response of Bitches lately.
Later that same persons child was waaaaaaayyyy to cuddly up on my kid. NOT OK!!
Jack likes to attack hug kids his own size, a kid much older should not be in his personal space like that. I have seen Jack push and hit a kid who got into his space.
As a mother if you hear another mother say " hey get your kid away from mine" you really should be respectful of the fact there is a reason for it!
Friday, January 20, 2012
They always watch over us
One of my biggest paranias is our car. I have a mjor fear of it breaking down.
The back passenger tire keeps going low and freaking me out about chirs driving it all over so today i decided we needed new one. We dont have much money but it had to be done.
I rememberd Papa ED talking about marion tire and i taken my old car there a long time ago.
Chris dropped papas name and the guy gave him a discount because i was his grandaughter. about $50 and thats alot these days!
Will always love you Papa.
The back passenger tire keeps going low and freaking me out about chirs driving it all over so today i decided we needed new one. We dont have much money but it had to be done.
I rememberd Papa ED talking about marion tire and i taken my old car there a long time ago.
Chris dropped papas name and the guy gave him a discount because i was his grandaughter. about $50 and thats alot these days!
Will always love you Papa.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Job hunt frustrations
So i have been job hunting continusaly since about may now and still nothing. I have 4 interviews that go nowhere and im getting so frustrated!
The replys i get in mail and email are all the same either its i havnt worked in 3 years so dont have experience or that i only have hair as a background.
The orginal plan of going to phloboblmy school didnt work since they dont have aid for a 5 week program and need $1000 up front. Hopefully i will be able to use tax money for the May session so i can at least get a new carreer.
I cant help but feel like a loser with all this crap. Chris works 2 jobs and is very burn out and takes it out on us. The problem is that he makes way more workng his part time job even 12 hours week than i ever did doing hair.
We havnt been arguring as much lastly so thats good. i think he does see that im trying to find something but still have standerds. I wont do gas station or fast food unless we get down to absolute desperation.
Thankfully i have my dad who helps us out when he can/
I have to keep telling myself that Im not getting a job now because i am meant for more, that something perfect is going to come across me and i will love it and be happy again.
The replys i get in mail and email are all the same either its i havnt worked in 3 years so dont have experience or that i only have hair as a background.
The orginal plan of going to phloboblmy school didnt work since they dont have aid for a 5 week program and need $1000 up front. Hopefully i will be able to use tax money for the May session so i can at least get a new carreer.
I cant help but feel like a loser with all this crap. Chris works 2 jobs and is very burn out and takes it out on us. The problem is that he makes way more workng his part time job even 12 hours week than i ever did doing hair.
We havnt been arguring as much lastly so thats good. i think he does see that im trying to find something but still have standerds. I wont do gas station or fast food unless we get down to absolute desperation.
Thankfully i have my dad who helps us out when he can/
I have to keep telling myself that Im not getting a job now because i am meant for more, that something perfect is going to come across me and i will love it and be happy again.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Whats in a name?
I have decided to start using my talents of sewing and creativity and try to make some extra money.
I am very exctied to take Jack on his first plane ride to Oklahamoa in May so it got me thinking about fun stuff to keep him busy on the plane.
I looked around for stuff and its all pretty expensive but after searching and thinking i have found a few things that look fun so i made them myself.
I still need to do some tweaking in the desgins but i like them so far. Everything will be made out of old clothes, crib sheets, random material in my house so cost effective.
 |
| Jack calls these garages |
 |
| Garages folded up ready to go |
 |
| I pod nano case to hold headphones. |
 |
| Crayon wallet! |
 |
| Crayon wallet folded to go. |
 | |||
| Front. |
Now i just need to figure out a name for my "shop" that will be the name of the Etsy shop and when i do craft fairs too.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Fun times
Tonight was the My Omaha Mommies 4th birthday party.
Tons of fun. I won the award for " most likely to have a reality t.v. show" im not sure if there telling me im a drama queen or just have a really interesting life. But hey if is a contest im gonna take some bitches out. Random i know, i have been watching Bridal Plasty about Brides that get plastic surgery and a dream wedding if they win.
I also won a 10 person dinner at Cheeseburger in Paradise. We have never been there but i think it would fun, hard to narrow it down to just 10 people though.
Its nice to be around supportive moms who im sure are sick of my bitching about monster boy and husband but sometimes you really just have to get it out somehow.
I love going on the playdates and have become very close to a few of the moms which is great for Jack too.
Tons of fun. I won the award for " most likely to have a reality t.v. show" im not sure if there telling me im a drama queen or just have a really interesting life. But hey if is a contest im gonna take some bitches out. Random i know, i have been watching Bridal Plasty about Brides that get plastic surgery and a dream wedding if they win.
I also won a 10 person dinner at Cheeseburger in Paradise. We have never been there but i think it would fun, hard to narrow it down to just 10 people though.
Its nice to be around supportive moms who im sure are sick of my bitching about monster boy and husband but sometimes you really just have to get it out somehow.
I love going on the playdates and have become very close to a few of the moms which is great for Jack too.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
christmas cards
Family Story Christmas Card
Shop Shutterfly.com for elegant Christmas photo cards.
View the entire collection of cards.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)