Life with Anxitey

I have had to live with this sometime debilitating anxiety for some time now and it doesn't ever get easier. Every little sound the car makes, every bill that comes in the mail, every argument I get in with a friend or loved one, every minor things sets me off to my brain automatically making it the worst possible thing ever and I cant make it stop. Been to therapies, doctors, Emergency room and so many medications to count.

We are on month 5 of this bed bug hell!!!!! for 3 months we didn't see any fucking bugs and had 4 different inspectors find nothing. Finally found one on chris one night when he woke up screaming in pain on the airbed.
Payed $1300 for the heat treatement that is supposed to completely kill all stages of them and make them go away. We have only seen one dead one as we put the house back together and every time I lay on the floor I panic  thinking my itchy skin is a bite. Still have yet to sleep a full a night without phantom bites and itching with nothing there.

Now my mom has spots and am I completely freaking out and worried. Jack sleeps in her bed on the weekends but she is in the yard on a daily basis so im praying to all that is out there that they don't have these fuckers too. I cant go through all this again. I just cant.

We threw out over 3/4 of the things we own including the couch and recliner. If I had the money both captains beds would have gone too and got frames and regular mattresses for both.

As good as it feels to live with minimal now it was still so hard and heartbreaking to release a lot of it. Telling Jack his Tardis and K-9 he worked so hard on had to be thrown away because a small possibility of bugs being in there. I still feel horrible that we had to do that. All of his stuffed animals with the exception of buddy, buzz and woody are all still in bags because of my anxiety and fear to take them out and put them on the floor. A little  boy shouldn't have to live like this and not be able to play with his own toys and it makes me sad everyday when he asks if the Doctor can bring him a new Tardis. Im not ready yet. They say 60 days no bites or bugs is the key and its only been 10 days.

We no longer use cardboard. All of my photo albums and frames were trashed and all my beloved photos are in a tote and if you know what a photo junkie I am that's really hard for me to not see Jacks face as a baby or my papa on a daily basis.

We have 6 totes in the basement of stuff like the tree and Christmas stuff and Chris's star wars stuff and everything else we have is out and that's not much. I have 1 tote of fabric, 1 of craft supplies, 1 of shoes, 1 of costume stuff, 1 of Coplay stuff, 1 of sheets, 2 of blankets. wedding dress is in the smallest possible package of space bag. A bookcase with minimal things on it. Jacks toy stoarage things only have 2 with toys in them out of the 10 boxes on there.

My wedding broom is still on the wall because I figure any positive energy I can leave is good.

The idea of going to movies, or con parites, or peoples house freak me out that I will either bring something with me or bring something home. Rod took my grandmas curio cabinet today and I didn't know till I got home and it was a weird emotion that I really wasn't expecting to hit me. It was broken and we really just used it for out wedding stuff but it was one of only 2 things I had of hers. The couch was my papas and now I have nothing of his but a tie.

I have been trying to restore my dads toy box by using caulk and wood putty to seal out cracks so no bugs get in there and will eventually paint it and put the cushion back on. We have the outside furniture in the living room and I have to vacuum everyday with a stupid bagged vacuum and change it outside. I have using clear caulk on all the furniture. I don't know if it will actually help but its what my brain told me to do .

I just want to go back to normal and happy and be able to go out and have fun without the fear and with wanting to actually come home. I know I have friends that love me but when I call needing an ear they don't answer the phone. chris can only take so much of it. My mom tells me to get over it, a bunch of bull from the women who is on every antidepresent known to man.

next month I will be sending an email to the landlord asking if she plans on us moving since we have to now find a way to come up money to do so. I fell like when we get to a point where things are great and then we take 2 steps back. Still have to find a way to pay for Jacks eye appointments and glasses every 3 months and food and rent and gas.........

I don't want to live like this any more!!!!!!!!! I want to be free of the panic and anxiety and frustration and pain and itching and crying and fighting and all of it!

Crappy Mothers day

You would think i would be used to feeling so unloved by now but my feelings still get hurt on every holiday is seems.
This morning after making breakfast for Chris and telling him that Jack called me to say happy mothers day i asked him if he was going to even acknowledge me. He farted and said not with you being a bitch about it!
Fuck off asshole.
Mothers day is the one day a year i want validation that im a good mom not with gifts and cards but appreciation of just simply saying "happy mothers day your a great mom" but instead i get ass hole.
My birthday i was alone with no acknowledgment along with new years and valentines day.

Im sick of him using the excuse that he works so much for everything. Mothers day is the same damn day every freaking year!!!
Just having jack make a picture would have been nice.

I had a feeling that me working wasn't going to help us any and it hasn't. now we just find other things to fight about. Before it was always about how much he works and how tired he is and we never money. i may only work a few hours a day but its hard work and im so tired and then have to take care of the house and the boy on top of picking up after chirs too! It like he doesnt even notice im working too!

I will admit that i do have thougts if i would happy alone since thats how i feel most of the time anyway.

I may have lost my mind.

Since there are so many people who have issues with cosplay your body type i really want to do Ursula as kind a fuck off!

 

I think i will do it a bit different though. Im thinking my black corset and making a skirt similar to this one cause the ones i have seen with the hanging tentacles look linda silly with your legs hanging out. 

I did find a victorian pattern that i think would work well for it just gotta get a job to pay for the massive amout of material. 

Happy woody vestei

 Jack is so happy with his new Woody costume. Im glad i sew and can make him so simply happy with a cow vest, yellow shirt, jeans and hat.

He has a habbit of wearing a different costume on a daily basis. Gee i wonder where he get thats.

When it was time to take it off for the night it was like i was tormenting him but it went in the box with the rest of his awesome costumes for another day.

Rocking horse my great grandpa made my mom

I want a beyonce chicken

I now have a huge obsession with the blog The Bloggess!!!
She is so freaking funny.
She has the most random conversations with her husband about unicorn clubs, robot cats, and other silly things.
One day she was going shopping for towels and her husband said no more towels so instead she brought home a 5 foot metal colorful chicken and left it on the doorstep with the caption. Knock Knock Mother fucker!!!!
Of course he was mad but she said at least it wasn't towels.
I explained the blog to Chris who of course gets her humor so we have having fun the whole thing.
She also has severe hospital inducing panic attacks and depression and alot of health issues that she finds funny thing to blog about like do with chester and arnold.

She also has a long running thing with messing with Nathon Fillion cause he wont send her a picture of him holding twine but got Wil Weaton to send her a picture of him collating papers just to mess with stupid PR people who try to spam her.

I am not a reader like at all but so want to read her book when it comes out next month.

Gotta snap out of it!!!!

I am trying so hard to get out of my dance funk but its not working.
I listen to music everyday and find stuff i want to do.
we were supposed to Earth Day like we do every year and i was even making Jack a super cute outfit to wear but there is a workshop that same day so no one is doing it now.
There is also an event in May i would love to do for an art thing but nobody wants to do that either.
I cant do stuff alone, for security reasons and the stupid fat girl dancer things.
I may have confidence when i dance for people that come to belly dance events knowing what to expect but have too many times of dancing for other people and been heckled and yes assholes i can hear your rude ass comments from the stage!!
I miss the days of our group doing events together and having so much fun but now nobody wants to do anything.

I am also realizing the very limited amount of friends i actually have anymore.
I was alone on birthday, alone on Christmas, alone on new years, its frustrating that i don't know why or what i did to make people not want to hang out with me. Im fun damn it.
I don't even have my husband to hang out with me like other people do. I'm alone every Saturday with no kid or car. 
I am always there when people need me but have been  stepped on so much that i don't know why i keep doing it.

Sapphire Phoenix dances over the past few years.